Joke

Joke of the day

Joke of the day

Joke of the day

NAUGHTY KID: Hello! Do you have a refrigerator?
MAN: Yes, I have. Who’re you?
KID: Is it running?
MAN: Yes.
KID: Get hold of it… Otherwise it might run away.

Man slams down the phone.

Aftera few minutes, the phone rings again.

KID: Hello! Do you have a refrigerator?
MAN (angrily) : NO! I DON’T HAVE!
KID: Didn’t I tell you to hold it?

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Joke of the day

What is Politics?

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
Oscar Am ringer, “the Mark Twain of American Socialism.”

I offered my opponents a deal: “if they stop telling lies about me,
I will stop telling the truth about them”.
Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952..

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
Charles de Gaulle, French general politician

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924 Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981)

We hang petty thieves and appoint the bigger thieves to public office.
Aesop, Greek slave fable author

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
Plato, ancient Greek, Philosopher

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to
build a bridge even where there is no river.
Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become PM;
I’m beginning to believe it.
Quoted in ‘Clarence Darrow for the Defense’ by Irving Stone.

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
John Quinton, American actor/writer

What happens if a politician drowns in a river?
That is pollution.
What happens if all of them drown?
That is a solution.

Pura Vida!

Don’t forget to check out our Cafe Press shop! $3 of every item purchased goes to Charities here in Costa Rica. They do mail to Costa Rica fairly cheap. I did a test of a mouse pad and got it in 12 days delivered to my house! Amazing!!!!



Also check out our House for Sale and Rent listings as well!  If you are traveling and you want a cheap $4.99 a month and good VPN so you can watch hulu, your countries Netflix, and amazon click here. Good for travel or if you live here in Costa Rica. Don’t forget about our Amazon shop as well!

Use this link to see all thing Costa Rica on Amazon! Make your purchase today! All things Costa Rica

Remember if you get an account with the Unblock-US vpn you can than Live stream your movie and tv shows at our link! 

Booking a vacation? Use our link below! 


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Joke of the day

Paul walks into the boss’s office. “Sir, let me get straight to the point, I know the economy is really down, but I have a couple of companies after me, and I would like to ask for a raise.” After a few minutes of haggling between them the boss finally agrees to a 10% raise, and Paul  gets up to leave happily.   “One minute”, says the boss to Paul , “which  companies are after you by the way?” “The gas company, cable company, and phone company”, Paul replied!

Pura Vida!

Don’t forget to check out our Cafe Press shop! $3 of every item purchased goes to Charities here in Costa Rica. Also check out our House for Sale and Rent listings as well!  If you are traveling and you want a cheap $4.99 a month and good VPN so you can watch hulu, your countries Netflix, and amazon click here. Good for travel or if you live here in Costa Rica. Don’t forget about our Amazon shop as well!

 

 

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Joke of the day

I will apologize to all my viewers in England now. I did chuckle and little at this one and said. Oh my out loud. Go England!

The wife said to me, “Whenever a World Cup game is on, let’s eat something to do with that particular team for dinner that night.”
Mexico was on, we had burritos.
Japan was on, we had sushi.
USA was on, we had burgers.
Italy was on, we had pizza.
Tuesday is England, so we’re going out.

Pura Vida!

Don’t forget to check out our Cafe Press shop! $3 of every item purchased goes to Charities here in Costa Rica. Also check out our House for Saleand Rent listings as well!  If you are traveling and you want a cheap $4.99 a month and good VPN so you can watch hulu, your countries Netflix, and amazon click here. Good for travel or if you live here in Costa Rica. Don’t forget about our Amazon shop as well!

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Joke of the day!

The phone call

Several men are in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

“Hello?”

“Honey, It’s me.”

“Sugar!”

“Are you at the club?”

“Yes.”

“Great! I’m at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?”

“What’s the price?”

“Only $1,500.”

“Well, okay, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much.”

“Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price … and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…”

“What price did he quote you?”

“Only $60,000!”

“Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options.”

“Great! Before we hang up, something else…”

“What?”

“It might seem like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and…well, I stopped by to see the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s on sale! Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of park area, beachfront property…”

“How much are they asking?”

“Only $650,000… a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover…”

“Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $620,000, OK?”

“Okay, sweetie. Thanks! I’ll see you later!! I love you!!!”
“Bye.”

The man hangs up, closes the phone’s flap and asks aloud, “Does anyone know whose phone this is?”

Pura Vida!

Don’t forget to check out our Cafe Press shop! $3 of every item purchased goes to Charities here in Costa Rica. Also check out our House for Saleand Rent listings as well!  If you are traveling and you want a cheap $4.99 a month and good VPN so you can watch hulu, your countries Netflix, and amazon click here. Good for travel or if you live here in Costa Rica. Don’t forget about our Amazon shop as well!

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Joke of the day

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For 10 mil colones for their first lovemaking
Encounter.
In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly 554898925 mil colones. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the
bank which was worth over $1109797850 mil colones,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than
Three decades she had ‘charged’ him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over 1664696775 mil colones,  her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
‘If I’d had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!’

That’s when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don’t know when
To keep their mouths shut

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!

jajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajajaj

Pura Vida!

 

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Joke of the Day

Little Johnny comes downstairs crying. His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?” “Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with hammer,” said little Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you just laugh? “I did!” sobbed Johnny.

Pura Vida!

 

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Internet Comic of the day

Pura Vida!

 

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Joke of the day

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, ‘I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.’

I said, ‘WHAT??!! What was that?!’

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…

‘You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.’

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, ‘Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?’

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, ‘Lets get a pair for each outfit.’

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, ‘That’s fine, honey.’ She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, ‘I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.’

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, ‘No honey, I don’t feel like it.’

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, ‘WHAT?’

I then said, ‘Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.’

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, ‘Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?’

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight.

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Joke of the day

Four expectant fathers pace in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor. The nurse enters and tells the first man, “Congratulations, you’re the father of twins.”

“What a coincidence,” the man says. “I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.”

A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, “You are the father of triplets.”

“That’s really an incredible coincidence,” he answers. “I work for the 3M Corporation.”

An hour later, the nurse tells the third man that his wife has just given birth to quadruplets.

The man says, “I don’t believe it! I work for the Four Seasons. What a coincidence!”

After hearing this, everyone’s attention turns to the fourth guy, who has just fainted. He slowly regains consciousness and whispers, “I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers.”

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Joke of the day

Microsoft’s Latest Venture

 

    News just in of Microsoft’s latest venture: Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play.

    It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market. The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.

    The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities). A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for startups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.

    While Contraceptive98 does not address nontraditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year.

    OPERATION: Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package.

    At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One precaution is that the user must be sure they have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, it is now safe to turn off your partner.

    DRAWBACKS: Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.

    CONCLUSION: Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, uninterruptible Power Supply and Onboard Camera.

    Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic that “Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what we’ve been doing to our customers for years.”

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Joke of the day

One day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose one. The man asks, ”How much is the yellow one?”

The assistant says, ”$2000.” The man is shocked and asks the assistant why it’s so expensive. The assistant explains, ”This parrot is a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast.”

”What about the green one?” the man asks.

The assistant says, ”He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes.”

”What about the red one?” the man asks.

The assistant says, ”That one’s $10,000.”

The man says, ”What does HE do?”

The assistant says, ”I don’t know, but the other two call him boss.”

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Joke of the day 5/15/14

The 12-Step Program for Internet Addicts

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I use to.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash the dog, get the kids off to school, all before even thinking of the Internet.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.
7) I will read a book…if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear what is happening on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on my computer.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed some time….and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!

Pura Vida!

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Joke of the day 5/12/14

A woman on the phone to her friend; I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising…. I decided to take and aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Pura Vida!

 

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Joke of the day 5/8/14

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

“I have an idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!” When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”

Pura Vida!

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Joke of the Day 5/7/14

The Smartest Dog Ever

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 lamb chops, please.”
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap! – Against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: “What the hell are you doing? This dog’s a genius!”

The owner responds, “Genius, no way! It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”

Read more:http://www.ajokeaday.com/ChisteAlAzar.asp?#ixzz3122ZICNH

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Joke of the day 5/6/14

Three guys go in for a job interview, all at the same office. The first one goes in for his interview and the interviewer says, “What’s the first thing you see when you look at me?” The guy says, “That’s not too hard, you’ve got no ears.” The interviewer says, “That’s it, get out, you’ll never be seen around here again.” The second man takes his turn and is asked the same question. The applicant replies, “Uh, you’ve got no ears.” The interviewer throws the guy out, cursing and yelling that he’ll never get a job with his company. As he is leaving, the second guy warns the third guy, “Listen man, whatever you do, don’t say he hasn’t got any ears. He’s so touchy with the ear thing.” “Okay,” said man #3 on his way into the office. Once inside he is told, “Name the first thing you notice when you look at me.” The guy answers, “That’s easy, you wear contacts.” The interviewer was flabbergasted, “How on earth did you know that, son?” “What? Are you stupid? You can’t wear glasses, you’ve got no ears!” 

Pura Vida!

 

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Joke of the day 5/5/14

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he’s going to start farming. He goes to the local co-op and tells the man, “Give me 100 baby chickens.” The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, “Give me 200 baby chickens.” The co-op man complies. Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, “Give me 500 baby chickens.” “Wow!” the co-op man replies. “You must really be doing well. “Naw,” said the man with a sigh. “I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart!”

Pura Vida!

 

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Joke of the Day 5/3/14

It’s game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court. He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there. He responds, “No, the seat’s empty.” “The first man exclaims, “What?!? Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?” The neighbor responds, “Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven’t been together.” The first man responds,” I’m sorry to hear that. Wasn’t there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could’ve taken that seat?” The neighbor responds, “No, they’re all at the funeral.”

Just as a note Jokes will also be moving to weekly instead of daily as of monday.

Pura Vida!

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Joke of the day 5/2/14

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, “Jesús is watching you.” He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, “Jesús is watching you.” In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, “Was it you who said Jesús is watching me” The parrot replied, “Yes.” Relieved, the burglar asked, “What is your name?” The parrot said, “Clarence.” The burglar said, “That’s a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?” The parrot answered, “The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús.”

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Joke of the day 5/1/14

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”

Pura Vida!

 

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Joke of the day 4/30/14

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!” The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

Pura Vida!

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Joke of the day 4/29/14

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it’s his daughter’s birthday and he hasn’t bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, “How much is that Barbie in the window?” In a condescending manner, she says, “Which Barbie?” She continues, “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.” Ralph asks, “Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?” “That’s obvious,” the saleslady says. “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”

Pura Vida!

 

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Joke of the day 4/28/14

A husband exclaims to his wife one day, “Your butt is getting really big. It’s bigger than the BBQ grill!” Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. “What’s wrong?” he asks. She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”

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Joke of the day 4/27/14

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?” Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.”

Pura Vida!

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Joke of the day 4/26/14

Today’s joke is going to be a video. This one made me laugh almost nonstop! I hope you enjoy it! Some strong language and adult themes are in this video. So be warned before you hit the play button!

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Joke of the day 4/25/14

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over the policeman says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?” The man gets really indignant and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”

 

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Joke of the day 4/24/14

So figured I would start a new daily offering. So here is our 1st one. Let me know what you think and if you want to keep seeing the Joke of the day. Enjoy!

Bubba and Earl were sitting in a car on a back road drinking moonshine.

All at once there was a tapping on the window.

“Bubba I think there is a ghost tapping on the window!”

Sure enough a wizened face with long flowing white hair was there just out side the window.

Bubba shoved his foot down on the gas and immediately was doing 60 miles and hour.

“Step on it!” “He’s still out there!” Earl shouted

And sure enough, there was another tapping at the window.

Bubba shoved his foot to the floor again! This time he was doing ninety (90) miles an hour.

Still the ghostly figure tapped on the window.

“You better giver ‘er some more gas!” Earl yelled, “He’s still out there.”

“I can’t go any faster Earl, I’ve got her up to 120 miles an hour.

About that time the little old man motioned for the Earl to roll the window down, which he did.

“Say Boys!” “I was wanting to know, do you need a shove to get out of this mud hole?”

Pura Vida!

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